She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
