I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
