I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize