Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
