he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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