Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
