who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
