Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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