I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
