The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
