i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
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