His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Randomize
