How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
