My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
