sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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