her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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