i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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