hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
