Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
he wants to bone in the snuggie
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize