I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
