u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
