3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
