just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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