Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
