Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
