I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
