Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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