explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
