I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
