i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
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