I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
