so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
