i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Randomize
