Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
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