hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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