It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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