My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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