Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
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