there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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