My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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