I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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