If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
