she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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