____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
