Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
