We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
