I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
