you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
