The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
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