I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
