HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
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