i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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