Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
