I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
