You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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